Leslie: My Nana… she used to say the best stuff: Don’t work yourself into a lather. Look where it is and you’ll find it. Don’t put me in a home. Tell the truth and shame the devil. The devil knows where you’re hiding. If you take enough rides with the devil, pretty soon he’s gonna drive. She was really into the devil.

typicrobots

Okay. Fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. That’s what happened. End of story. I let my emotions get the best of me. I just cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking and I felt something icky. I thought there was going to be chocolate. I don’t even remember! I’m wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I want to do is have babies! Are you single? I’m just like, going through a thing right now. I guess my life isn’t complete and I just want to shoot someone! This would not happen if I had a penis! What? Bitches be crazy. I’m good at tolerating pain, I’m bad at math, and… I’m stupid.

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cyborglovesong

“Favorite Time Seth Meyers Fucks Up English”, asked by talking-bird

Seth Meyers: And hey, McCain, you also have to stop smiling. Just, in general. Trust me on that. I’ve seen more natural smiles on hownted hoss— haunted house skeletons.
Amy Poehler: You want to give that one more try?
Seth Meyers: Haunted. House. Skeletons.
Amy Poehler: There we go.